Posted by WGS’ Team Yellow
HOW HE RAPED ME
I thought he was my friend. I had known this guy for a really long time and I trusted him with everything. I had been going through kind of a rough time and he would always listen to my problems. I trusted him completely, instinctively. He occasionally made inappropriate flirty comments to me, but that had always been part of our relationship and I trusted him always to be there for me when I needed him and to listen to me.
This one night, we were hanging out. For months I had been trying to watch my drinking because I didn’t like the way it made me feel. But on this night, I decided to let loose. We started pre-gaming together and then went out to a party. We were having a great time but I was really wasted, so we got a sober ride back to my apartment.
I had told him earlier that he could sleep on my floor when he stayed over, and he had agreed. But when I came back from the bathroom, he was in my bed. I was so drunk and exhausted; all I wanted to do was to go to sleep in my bed, so I got in bed too. Then he started kissing me. Initially I thought, “Why is this happening?” But then I rationalized, “I guess this is ok, we’ll just make out and it will be awkward in the morning but that’s fine.” Then he pulled me towards him and it got more physical. The thought “Why is this happening to me?” started to run through my head more and more. “This isn’t ok,” I thought. “I don’t want to do this, why is this happening to me?” When he started to feel me up more, I tried to say no but I was so drunk that I couldn’t get the words out. I was finally able to whisper “no” and I tried to push away but he pulled me back toward him. I kept trying to say no but I just couldn’t. So eventually I just had sex with him. I had passed out at some point and remember waking up and he was still pushing me but then I passed out again. I’m assuming what happened was all I was awake for, but I don’t know.
Early in the morning, I woke up in a panic. I was completely naked and I felt cold and clammy. I got out of my bed quickly and I felt like there was grime all over my body. I didn’t know what to do; he was still there and my roommate was asleep. I grabbed a blanket and wrapped up in it and tried to sleep on my couch. Eventually, he woke up and I tried to get it together and act ‘normal’ until he left, but I felt numb and thought I was going to be sick.
For weeks after that I felt an extreme sense of panic and nausea. I was so ashamed. Something felt completely wrong about this. However, I had hooked up with a lot of guys before and so I thought that I had done something to make this happen. Still, I kept feeling like something different had happened, beyond a regrettable hookup. I tried to talk to him to get answers. We got coffee and I started to talk to him about it. I was hoping he would apologize and say, “oh it is fine, I was drunk too.” Instead, he just looked at me and said, “Sometimes other people want things even when you don’t want them.” And then my world dropped out from under me. I felt a level of hurt and confusion that I had never, ever felt before. It’s taken me over a year to come to terms with my rape and to understand that this was not my fault. It’s taken me over a year to understand how he used me. How he didn’t listen to me. How he was not my friend. How he raped me. It has taken me so long to reclaim my experience and to put together the pieces from that night, both what happened and what happened to me.
People always want to qualify your rape. They tell you it wasn’t real because alcohol was involved, because ‘I’m sexy’, because ‘any guy’ would have done the same thing. I can tell you right now that that is bullshit. My voice always matters. Nothing can qualify that.